didnt feel like a title above the song. but i really want to write this morning. probbaly it's because i am so sleepy, my brains creativy is again at top. It is only terribly hard to judge if it makes anys sense at all. I sort of remember telling B to have children yesterday night. If so I was really drunk. Direct implication.

There are some things in my head though:

• Simdi ta icinde bombos kalbimin, akisleri sönen bir ses gibisin.. to J
• I realize that I treat B like I treat myself. Because I have this belief I know what he can do.. I can not stand it when he does not try hard enough. I don't even do this even to my sister, poor guy. I can't imagine what is in store for him. Now that I am somewhat easy on myself, I have all the energy in the world to push him. The bad thing is this is not a mission. It simply comes naturally, that is why it is not easily stoppable. And that is why we will very soon fight. And then not talk. And then we won't see each other in the only time we can. And then we will both slip away. (Baska turlu 30a kadar nasil gecer zaman? :p) (This feels like writing to the newsgroup in the old times. Sending some "messages" through public posts. Sometimes though, this feels right. )
  
• Does being consistenly happy make a person listen to happy music? Or rather leave out the depressing and sad stuff?
  
• Am I actually becoming a happy person? If so, will my personality survive this shock? Afterall, I was never happy. (hmm.. ok, i was happy at high school, but it was accompanied by worries for my grades, the feeling of all kinds of insecurities about how I look, and waking up early for the studying hour) Not that I am complaining, but I am panicking that I will very soon be just like everyone else. Happy with their lives. Do not care about others as they can not relate to unhappiness. Thus not doing anything to change the unhappiness . (Unhappiness is the reality of the world still) Really how much more can I accomodate happiness without just destroying everything with an instinct of getting away from the guilt?