melancholy

i am drowning in a wave of melancholy whenever i get the word friend in my mind. friends. i have had so many, so many darn good ones. how do i accept the fact now that i see them perhaps once every two years? i learned about my best friend's engagement only last saturday, i probably wont make it to her wedding. where is the sense in all this? yes, i am asking you.



yeah my friends move on. the number of my married friends will have increased tremendously by the end of this summmer.for me we are as childish as we used to be. i have to believe this, or else i would jump out the window. will this be retained when, in no time at all, they start producing children?



problem is... time is passing. we are becoming somehow successful as i imagined. we are pushing life, shaping it. we are settling, getting comfortable. and we do not know where we are heading. what is the meaning of all this? like i closed my eyes when i came to sweden, and when i open them as i get finished with my phd what will i see? that everyone moved on and nothing is so childishly playful anymore. was this why i was pushing? was it why i wanted to have someone to fall in love with, or why i wanted to move away?



where are all the excitements that grown life promised us?

yes, i am almost 30.

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