nostalgia
I now declare and admit myself to be a person of nostalgia. The ideal, one says, is to be a person of the moment. I wouldnt like to change. And some people are energetic, lively, social; these type of people are popular, they are loved and are inviting. Perhaps I am not inviting. I am not beautiful either. Who cares? I am what I am. Whether I die of loneliness, or live this upper class life without any effort, and become weaker by day, who cares? I am what I am, a person of nostalgia.
The present day world views nostalgia as something cheap. It is also seen as something useless, it is always viewed in contrast to creativity. I would say rather strange. Because it feels to me like, the past makes me whole. It compensates for the lack of this and that in a daily basis. When I open my mouth it is the past talking, and this is more or less for everyone. These are the two points.
Just think about it. Think about that one moment in your life in which you were most in love/most naive/most empty/most lesbian/most drinking in net piknik/most nothing really. Just any moment in which you had something that is now lost. (In any case, every past moment is forever lost, so one is only limited by one's memory in thinking of a remarkable, unique past moment) Think about the warmness, the coldness, the anxiety, the shame, the eternal completeness that moment brings you. Maybe no summer again will be hotter, no evening more vital, no pain larger, no poetry will ever bring you that bag of emotions, that you had that day. But still, still, you had it. You had that moment.
This is how I feel indeed. I wouldnt like to go back to my childhood. All the mistakes I hadn't done was no blissful, I know, and jumping on that elastic rope was, for once, life itself. But that would not be me. I am know me because although it will never happen again, I have lived through that night at Murat's place with Umut when we were all (as far as I remember) single, talking and talking and laughing at candle light.
All these big and small memories shape, structure, inspire what comes out of my mind and mouth everyday.
I will not go back again to high school or to university. Nothing will be so full of anxiety, excitement, struggle and so new, again. Yet I have been there, I have passed countless nights in the lab or the dormitory. Snacked a lot of bullshit, desired Devin so much, loved M endlessly with Yeni Turku in the background. All these have, thanks to all that are involved, happened. So although I have none of those people in my everyday life now, still I am complete remembering a certain moment of happiness that I lack now.
I am a person of nostalgia. Life is beautiful.
The present day world views nostalgia as something cheap. It is also seen as something useless, it is always viewed in contrast to creativity. I would say rather strange. Because it feels to me like, the past makes me whole. It compensates for the lack of this and that in a daily basis. When I open my mouth it is the past talking, and this is more or less for everyone. These are the two points.
Just think about it. Think about that one moment in your life in which you were most in love/most naive/most empty/most lesbian/most drinking in net piknik/most nothing really. Just any moment in which you had something that is now lost. (In any case, every past moment is forever lost, so one is only limited by one's memory in thinking of a remarkable, unique past moment) Think about the warmness, the coldness, the anxiety, the shame, the eternal completeness that moment brings you. Maybe no summer again will be hotter, no evening more vital, no pain larger, no poetry will ever bring you that bag of emotions, that you had that day. But still, still, you had it. You had that moment.
This is how I feel indeed. I wouldnt like to go back to my childhood. All the mistakes I hadn't done was no blissful, I know, and jumping on that elastic rope was, for once, life itself. But that would not be me. I am know me because although it will never happen again, I have lived through that night at Murat's place with Umut when we were all (as far as I remember) single, talking and talking and laughing at candle light.
All these big and small memories shape, structure, inspire what comes out of my mind and mouth everyday.
I will not go back again to high school or to university. Nothing will be so full of anxiety, excitement, struggle and so new, again. Yet I have been there, I have passed countless nights in the lab or the dormitory. Snacked a lot of bullshit, desired Devin so much, loved M endlessly with Yeni Turku in the background. All these have, thanks to all that are involved, happened. So although I have none of those people in my everyday life now, still I am complete remembering a certain moment of happiness that I lack now.
I am a person of nostalgia. Life is beautiful.
posted by irem at 7/03/2008 02:29:00 PM
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