bulent teyzemizden

dertleri zevk edindim & ben kuskunum felege

bir turkce özlemidir gidiyor. hayirlisi. turkce geymek degil de...
turkce dokunmak, dokunulmak.

icim uyurken...

uzun uzun ruya görurum.

them

Can not resist their thoughts. Even the things that I love about them seem grand, that is how much I miss them. All of them are far far away. I know this is good for me, this helps me lead a 'single' life. But -not so deep- inside I think about them: what is he doing just now, would he like this movie, would he laugh at this also, does he have a clear mind, is he still as attractive... I should probably be grateful that time is so limited. So I can do as I promised long long ago. I promised that I would give back what I take.

Yet, I am such a pleaser...
of myself.

sometimes it feels certain that there is a shorter way between us...
than English.
but i can only use my hands and my eyes.
the problem of the first language,
the unconveyability of poems,
of "canim",
these, for me, they count.

some just want to have a good time in life,
some feel they have things to accomplish and deeds to deliver.

and how do these two come together?

A very secluded weekend

• WoW
• Pushdown Model Checking
• White outside
  
• Indian
• 24x2,5

Afterwards:

• Hrant Dink (I could never want to leave behind injustice)
• So much cruelty in the world still
• Upcoming elections, much ridiculousness
  
• Queen

someone

had said that we all suffer alone. that someone was right.

my stomach aches continue. i sleep, but it is never enough. i work, but there is so much more to do. i complain.

yes i complain.

a small break. in 2,5 hours i am facing Mads alone for the first time. i have been trying to come up with a language to annotate Java bytecode. i have difficulty working with two seperate domains at the same time: the mathematical domain and the program variable domain. I am confused about what is of which type. For instance, a variable is of type integer, but eventually we will need to use rules about natural numbers to reason about it. When does this correspondence enter the play?

i have been having stomachaches regularly since i came back from belgium. i am fairly confused about what i can eat. i can not eat carbonhydrates much, no bread, no rice etc. shellfish is ok, but not something to have 7 days a week, since it isnt so tasty and the ones in my fridge are with shells(lots of work). next cheese&milk are not good for skin. even detoxication bans them. vegetables take a long time to cook, they make my stomach angry when i do not cook them (see cabbages, squash) or else they are expensive/nonexistent/tasteless. i do not enjoy red meat. what remains is wok, salmon, spinach, broccoli,cauliflower. in the end i will end up on a belgian beer diet :P

i am the fiance'

i had a great time with my new family, the first one that i want to be a part of.

Still home. 2 cigarettes and coffees later, I feel somewhat more on earth. I am continuing to panick on the to-do-list of the period. In the morning I read a bit the co-algebra stuff. But all I want to think of right now is the taste of Rochefort 10degrees, feel the indulging tipsiness of Duvel.

Yes my bills are paid. I am -self-acclaimedly- cute. My house is clean, my bf has muscular arms. Yet I am not satisfied.

I miss..

objects of our lives

one of those mornings

ah.. not a bright morning. rain.
depressing thoughts lure me.
nothing adds up this morning. no smile, nothing that i love, no beauty brings me up. nothing gets me going.

i miss summer, even without winter.

Aysel Git Başımdan

.....

Benim yağmurumda gezinemezsin üşürsün
Dağıtır gecelerim sarışınlığını
Uykularımı uyusan nasıl korkarsın,
hiçbir dakikamı yaşayamazsın.
Aysel git başımdan ben sana göre değilim.
Benim icin kirletme aydınlığını,
hem kötüyüm karanlığım biraz çirkinim

...

Yanlış şehirlere götürür trenlerim.
Ya ölmek ustalığını kazanırsın,
ya korku biriktirmek yetisini.
Acılarım iyice bol gelir sana,
sevincim bir türlü tutmaz sevincini.
Aysel git başımdan ben sana göre değilim.
Ümitsizliğimi olsun anlasana
hem kötüyüm karanlığım biraz çirkinim.

Sevindiğim anda sen üzülürsün.
Sonbahar uğultusu duymamışsın ki
içinden bir gemi kalkıp gitmemiş,
uzak yalnızlık limanlarına.
Aykırı bir yolcuyum dünya geniş,
Büyük bir kulak çınlıyor içimdeki.
Çetrefil yolculuğum kesinleşmiş.

...

Atilla Ilhan