as to my report

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

biri benden ask istiyor

öyle uzun zaman olmus ki, unutmusum böyle seyleri. sanki
en son hep ben istemisim. hep ben öpmusum uzatilan
yanaklari.. tabi ki tamamen dogru degil bu. ama hep bendim
aski "köpruleri atmayi göze almak" olarak tanimlayan. "nefessiz
kalana dek kosmak" diye anlatan. simdi.. tam bende bitmisken
teoriler, gercekler tek baslarina kalmisken, biri cikiyor. aklimi
karistirmasina izin vermemem gerek.

birikimim yok cunku. umudum da yok. pembe gözluklerimi
gecen seneki bir fotografta takmisim en son. orada kaldilar..

summertime

and the living is easy. it really is.

to be someone else.. to be like the summer. not thinking, not even feeling. just living easy. so much not me.

the perfect breakfast

half mozzarella, two tomatos, oliv oil, oregano.
chai tea.

the perfect week

nothing more.. just this.

guests

I counted.. I have had 10 guests this summer. They all stayed at my place. Nice to have a place.

Now 11th on the way. Is it a lucky 11th? We shall see.

i feel like i have no dreams besides having/feeling no responsibilities.

- scrthll.

ferahlik

yellow tulip su diyor kendisine, ben ruzgar diyorum.

aklima o aksam geliyor. etuddeydik, karanlik disarisi, sessiz sinifimiz. bunalmisim ben yine. acik camdan birden serin bir ruzgar esliginde ezan duyuldu. ezanin beni ferahlatacagi hic gelmemisti aklima önceden. o an bambaska bir gercekligin -söz gelimi ezani okuyaninkinin, ve ya bekleyeninkinin- varoldugunu bilmek yetmisti icimi acmaya. hala ihtiyacimiz var böyle bir anda duyulan ezana, baskalarina, belki de bambaskalarina..

dinledigim seyler arasinda da olmali... bu sabah yagmur var istanbul'da. baska gelmiyor aklima..

men with car

i am trying to find out why i feel negatively about men with car. i suspect it is the overly confident attitude they have... or are inclined to have. the average man is over-confident anyway (some reaching the heights of unawareness by nature). owning a car seems to make it evidently worse.

over-confidence makes men arrogant. arrogance i literally hate. it makes me throw up. i think i have no tolarance whatsoever for people who do not have enough respect for others.

arrogance arises in other lifestyles as well. in science for instance. fortunately i have the perfect supervisor: he is even more aware of his surroundings then i am. i suspect men in science feel they get less than what they should and so try to push themselves on everyone else, to feel some importance in this manner. and why the scientific world seems as chaotic quality-wise as the industry. it is hard to understand how some shallow people manage to publish heaps of papers. surely in this mess one needs a push through. yet out of a scientific mind you would expect something a bit more reasonable then sheer arrogance.

i also have my worries that men think women find arrogance sexy in some instictive manner. a man who can rule is surely attractive for us weak females who always need at least some confirmation from one who "knows better". but a man who rules simply by commands uttered in high volume is at best a nuisance.

varolussal kaygisiz gunler

serdar ortac, makyaj, gunes, gulus

Things past

"So you run on fields with wind. Again. And you love. You love as much as you have the first time. You are as young as before. As naive. Is it important whether they do not see you? Whether life is a red red rose does not depend on the bees, nor on the butterflies"

"The way back.. If you come back not understanding why.. And the place you should go back to does not exist anymore. Sometimes one looses everything, when one aims for everything at once. And you are left with only memories of hopes. To rot where you hide away"

evet az uyumak bir hataydi. gözlerimi zor aciyorum. beynim ise hic orali degil. kafein bir sekilde yanindan yöresinden gidiyor analitik kismin, yanlis yerleri uyandiriyor.

bir kac is birden yapmaya calisiyorum. raporu duzeltmek var aklimda. yeni kisimlari okudum, bunlari elestirmek lazim. sonra policy yazilacak dili belirlemek gerekiyor. PSlang mi olsa, yeni bir sey mi? yeni dil taslaginda bir kac policy yazip denemek lazim. öte yandan assertion nanelerinin ornegin thread durumunda nasil yazilacagi hala muamma.

ne istiyorum? aslinda söyle duzgun uyumak istiyorum önce. sonra calismak istiyorum. U. yine benimle konussun istiyorum.

yorgun bir sabah.

misafirlerime alisiyorum, ne de olsa yapmadigimiz sey kalmiyor. sonra gidiyorlar. sanki beni de goturuyorlar.

zaman geciyor.

This isn't maybe / this is always

Waldeck feat. Chet Baker: This Isn't Maybe

Bir dusunceyi yazmak dusunceyi edinmekten zor oluyor genelde. Iste böyle sIkIntIlI bir an daha. Sözcuklerin bana gelmedigi yillardayim artik. Beynimin bir bölumu bosaltilmis gibi hissediyorum. Sadece daha önce sahip oldugum seyleri artik bulamadigimda degil, her an.

Insan temel ihtiyaclarini guvenceye almak ister. Hayata atilisin ilk zamanlari hep bu cabayla gecer. Benim hayatimda sanki bu cabada bir gedik olmus. Her seyim var gibi gözukse de tam ortada kucuk ama deriiinnn bir bosluk var. Beni bir icine cekse nasil geri gelecegimi hic ama hic bilmiyorum. Bu da beni dehsete dusuruyor. Bu dehsetin uzerini kapadikca geliyor "kaygi". Hazirliksizim. Hayat beni avlamamissa da henuz, yenen taraf ben gözuksem de, tum maddi kaynaklari önume koyduysam da, o kucuk boslugun varligini inkar edemem.

Kuskusuz bu temel ihtiyaclar diye siniflandirdiklarimizda bir eksik oldugunu bildiriyor. Ve fakat ben mi yeniden tanimlayacagim modern hayati? Simdi bazi arkadaslar derdi ki "Acaba gercekten bir eksik oldugundan mi, yoksa sen farkli yetistirildiginden mi bu eksik hissi?" Ne de olsa insanlar yasiyor gidiyor. Sorgulanmayi bile özledim.

so many men, so many minds

i am surrounded.

C is near. With his charm, his wisdom, his compassion.

One B is there, cheers me up, brings me life like rays of sun. Somehow I see an us as conversation goes by. An us that is not emerging, but that has always been there. I mention him with a smile on my face to everyone.

One B lives in the sun. I just know him through the sun. But I almost taste him when listening his voice. He will soon be here.

M is for muscles and I keep him as hope for calm winter nights.

K knows himself. What's more he knows me. He even wants to know me. Amazingly he asks me. And our world.. it should always be.

Red day + 1

and so it is

i am back. good old stockholm stands on its feet, and bows to the sun. i will soon be going to Vreten. V. has invited me to their gym, which also has a pool. Pools always excite me. That artificial blue.. They could as well make it black or white depending on tiles, yet I havent seen such a pool yet. I think the one in Cenralbadet was green. It didnt have tiles. It was like a big bowl. How deep is this one I wonder and how big? Always this mystery, the first time.. About pools.

my sallad

cottage cheese-smoked salmon-iceberg-squash-baby soy beans-lemon juice-olive oil-salt

this is what i like about holidays. things just are, there aren't any of "they're supposed to be...".

a rather long time later, for the first time, i feel my body working in a negative way. makes me remember the scene where Jack was approaching the little village at the final part of the Talisman. The movies show his mothers films and the whole place is dead quite and empty. He doesnt know what awaits him, but he is sure it wont be pleasant. He is experienced now, he has fought many evils along the way, yet he can not be sure that this last one will not manage to stick his fork right at his heart.