2 things off the list

dilian'in dersine gittim bugun. ilk ve orta dereceli okullara automata

ögretmeni olarak basvurmayi dusunuyorum.

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and and and

bi de özet göndermeyi unutmusuz makale icin.

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unutmusum

yarin sabaha bi de regular expression and/vs. automata anlatcam.

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icimi dökmek istiyorum

ayni anda:

• isi yapiyorum
• raporunu yaziyorum.
• milletin raporunu topluyorum
• latex'in her turlu killigiyla ilgileniyorum

bu arada bi arkadasim gercekle bagini koparmakta. yardim lazim.

belcikadan misafirlerim var. onlarin son gecesi.



napiyim napiyim...

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queen2

kesinlikle:

(good old fashioned) lover boy

save me now

bicycle race

dont stop me now

now i'm here

compared to yesterday

i saved the world today
everybody's happy now that the bad things gone away
everybody's happy now that the good things' here to stay

annie lennox - i saved the world today

queen

nezman "fat bottemed girls they make the world go round.." duysam, diyorum benim gibilerden bahsediyorlar, mutlu oluyorum. evet benim de bi sarkim var.

Hala bir huzun var ustumde. Hepsi bu grilik yuzunden. Hepsi.

massive attack this morning

and i feel the spring is coming (since my ulcer is blooming)





and i cry and complain

i stress and strain

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a new mo(ur)nday

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stealing a quote

"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else." - Jim Baker in Sixteen Candles

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while i wait for the nicotine to sink in and

chase away the anxiety...

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listen

bending corners

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melancholy

i am drowning in a wave of melancholy whenever i get the word friend in my mind. friends. i have had so many, so many darn good ones. how do i accept the fact now that i see them perhaps once every two years? i learned about my best friend's engagement only last saturday, i probably wont make it to her wedding. where is the sense in all this? yes, i am asking you.



yeah my friends move on. the number of my married friends will have increased tremendously by the end of this summmer.for me we are as childish as we used to be. i have to believe this, or else i would jump out the window. will this be retained when, in no time at all, they start producing children?



problem is... time is passing. we are becoming somehow successful as i imagined. we are pushing life, shaping it. we are settling, getting comfortable. and we do not know where we are heading. what is the meaning of all this? like i closed my eyes when i came to sweden, and when i open them as i get finished with my phd what will i see? that everyone moved on and nothing is so childishly playful anymore. was this why i was pushing? was it why i wanted to have someone to fall in love with, or why i wanted to move away?



where are all the excitements that grown life promised us?

yes, i am almost 30.

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these days

Havent been talking to anyone for ages. So much has been happening. Too much to write. So I havent been writing either.



It is not very encouraging to live in a fairy tale, as I had already suspected, for writing. Yes it is scary how much a relantionship changes one's life, one's perspective, one's understanding and judgement of things. I have to think more about it to be able to write. Just one point: yes, it is scary but it is not totally positive or negative. It is just the way it is, a phase in life. It is just that it is a radically different phase compared to the previous.



I have to admit that having someone judge me helps me judge myself better. This in turn prevents certain bashing operations I used to perform on myself.

This is the major thing. And additionally of course it puts my life in order. I usually do things at times acceptable by the rest of humanity now. Whether this is a good thing I am not discussing. (I would not be so stupid) I canalize my energy to my work. (Haha, yes I am one of those simple people now. You well know whom I am talking about)



What is it all about? Well lots of desire. Youth is a point in life where one is more than anything else governed by one's desires. I give in to them when I am not working. Thats why I spend so much time with him. It is not that we talk about great things.



Ah we definitely chat a lot. It definitely adds to me. But it adds to me in descovering how "normal" people are like, how they think, how they do, what they know. I learn what common knowledge, common sense is for instance. He does not widen my taste in movies/music/books. ( Sure we watched Elfen Lied together, but that was just my effort of trying to come up with sthg. we both enjoy) He does give me some information about general affairs, since he reads the papers. He also has much more knowledge about economy than I do. But frankly I could do a much more efficient research in that to find out what I want. In a nutshell, my dedication to us as a couple is nowhere near this kind of entertainment.





Desire yes but what else.. Love I guess is also there. But I do not feel weak or as if I should be looked after. Yeah I do sometimes feel like looking after him. (Maybe I should get a baby :p I see the first signals in me as my hormones are rising) But mostly, I am lazy. That should be all. Desire, a bit of love on both directions and laziness.



Laziness so I do not get to see others. I try not to get myself interested in anything else.

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.............



Yoldayımdır, nerdeyse yokuşun dibinde,

Suların kararmasını bekliyorumdur,

Tuğla harmanlarından gelen yanık havanın

Bahçedeki akşamsefalarına sinmesini.

Güç bela dizginliyorumdur içimde

Dörtnala sana koşan küheylanları.



............



Cevat Capan

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bulbulum altin kafeste aman

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