Draft post from 10/30/06-

To feel invincible

a night like this. the magic of living the unimagined. smoked 4 davidoff slims. drank a bit liquor. had walnuts with chicken. all for the good. all. i am invincible. i am in love with my life. so crazy that sounds. i laugh, i laugh often. what else could i want?
seems when you know what is at the bottom. when you have seen it. it kind of sets you free. so cheesy, but true. i have lost all, i know what it means. i know what it means to lose your pride, your dignity, your hopes, your belief, your strength... so now it is time to take it all as it comes. no big expectations, no big claims nor predictions.

just love the way.

waiting for K

I dive into the Sigur Ros(*) CD he had given me as a present. I also think of all the times we had together. In Stockholm, In Ghent, in Brugge. Wish I didnt have to run to the festival...

(*)Sigur Ros and Mogwai. They make me like Europe.

sabah sabah

Chris Isaak halletti beni. Ilk defa icimde hic ama hic yokken, yaratti bir huzun.

Somebody's crying
Forever blue
Don't leave me on my own
Things go wrong

Off..

hatirlatma

baska seylerle karistirmayabilsek... bazen tek gereksindigimiz biraz uyku.

Swedes

One should never generalize over such a great (only 8 million but one has to be respectful) amount of people. I very well know that. Still...

Still Swedes are workers. They take work seriously. They could have been said to be ambitious even. But not in the overloading sense like in the States. A swede would make the best of the working hours he has, trying hard to succeed, to accomplish something; and free his evenings for leisure. In a sense he knows balance. He enjoys good food and not just eating. He enjoys company but only if he can get something out of the conversation (fun, information etc.). He does work only if he believes in its ends. What I suspect is, this, whatever one can call it, this way of drawing pleasure from life, this sense of balance, of doing things at the right way in the right time keeps this society together. It gives it a common feeling of being a swede. In a rich society which has almost no religious concerns a common feeling is a 'curiosa'.

potpuri

My man's gone now
Ain't no use a listenin'
For his tired footsteps
Climbin' up the stairs

Old man sorrow's
Come to keep me company
Whisperin' beside me
When I say my prayers
When I say my prayers
....

This is one of the songs that have been sung in the graduation
ceremony.


Bir uykuyu cananla beraber uyuyanlar,
Ömrün bütün ikbalini vuslatta duyanlar,
Bir hazzI tükenmez gece sanmakla zamanI,
Görmezler ufuklarda, safak söktügü anI...

Gördükleri ru'ya ezeli bahçedir aska;
Her mevsimi bir yaz ve esen ruzgars baska.
Bülbülden o eglencede feryad isitilmez;
Gül solmayI; mehtab, azalIp gitmeyi bilmez...

...

Bir uykuyu cananla beraber uyuyanlar,
VarlIkta bütün zevki o cennette duyanlar
DunyayI unutmuþ bulunurken o sularda,
-Zalim saat ihmal edilen vakti çalar da-

Bir an uyanIrlarsa leziz uykulardan,
Bastanbasa, heryer kesilir kapkara, zindan...
Bir faciadIr böyle bir alemde uyanmak...
Günden güne, hicranla bunalmIs gibi, yanmak...

...

mutluluk

kendine saklaman gereken bir seydir belki.
belki baskalarina anlatinca onlarda olmayan
bir seyi gözlerine sokuyorsun gibidir. her
zamankinden daha cok susmak istiyorum.
ama her zamankinden daha cok
konusuyorum herhalde.

övunmek amacim kesinlikle yok aslinda. tam
tersi. her seyin tam bir sans oyunu oldugunu,
insanlarin bal gibi de piyangodan ciktigini,
ne oldugun ve ya ne olmadigin icin kendini
suclamanin cok anlamsiz oldugunu anlatmak
istiyorum. umut uyandirmak icin degil belki,
ama umutsuzlugu kovmak icin.

butterflies

to part

i have left them all. although they have loved me and i have loved them back. though we have had good times, superb times.

i have left them all. but i have never abandoned them. i have called them, consoled them, patted their head, held their hands as they cried; i have even slept with them.

whereas, in the same situation, men just expect you to disappear.

:(

Writing semantics is F-Hard.

a perfect guy

Is a perfect guy, necessarily the perfect guy?

bir cumartesi sabahi

"-asik misin?
-olsam ne farkeder ki? askimizi degil, hayatimizi yasadigimiz yastayiz.


-ne istiyorsun peki?
-J bana geri gelsin istiyorum. En uzun gunde ciksin gelsin. Neler yapmis
ne olmus ne yapacakmisiz konusmayalim. Hatta hic konusmayalim.
Tutsun elimden götursun bir midsummer partisine. Oturalim cimlerin
uzerinde, konussun insanlar. Bira icelim ve gulelim butun gun(duz).
Yanimda olsun bir kac saat sade. "

http://nakedbrunch.blogspot.com/

hos

didnt feel like a title above the song. but i really want to write this morning. probbaly it's because i am so sleepy, my brains creativy is again at top. It is only terribly hard to judge if it makes anys sense at all. I sort of remember telling B to have children yesterday night. If so I was really drunk. Direct implication.

There are some things in my head though:

• Simdi ta icinde bombos kalbimin, akisleri sönen bir ses gibisin.. to J
• I realize that I treat B like I treat myself. Because I have this belief I know what he can do.. I can not stand it when he does not try hard enough. I don't even do this even to my sister, poor guy. I can't imagine what is in store for him. Now that I am somewhat easy on myself, I have all the energy in the world to push him. The bad thing is this is not a mission. It simply comes naturally, that is why it is not easily stoppable. And that is why we will very soon fight. And then not talk. And then we won't see each other in the only time we can. And then we will both slip away. (Baska turlu 30a kadar nasil gecer zaman? :p) (This feels like writing to the newsgroup in the old times. Sending some "messages" through public posts. Sometimes though, this feels right. )
  
• Does being consistenly happy make a person listen to happy music? Or rather leave out the depressing and sad stuff?
  
• Am I actually becoming a happy person? If so, will my personality survive this shock? Afterall, I was never happy. (hmm.. ok, i was happy at high school, but it was accompanied by worries for my grades, the feeling of all kinds of insecurities about how I look, and waking up early for the studying hour) Not that I am complaining, but I am panicking that I will very soon be just like everyone else. Happy with their lives. Do not care about others as they can not relate to unhappiness. Thus not doing anything to change the unhappiness . (Unhappiness is the reality of the world still) Really how much more can I accomodate happiness without just destroying everything with an instinct of getting away from the guilt?
  

if you could read my mind

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
bout a ghost from a wishin well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as Im a ghost that you cant see
If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind that drugstores sell
When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you wont read that book again
Because the endings just too hard to take

Id walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, lets be real
* I never thought I could act this way *
And Ive got to say that I just dont get it
I dont know where we went wrong
But the feelins gone
And I just cant get it back

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
bout a ghost from a wishin well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
Youll know that Im just tryin to understand
The feelins that you lack
I never thought I could feel this way
And Ive got to say that I just to get it
I dont know where we went wrong
But the feelins gone
And I just cant get it back

gordon lightfoot? (johnny cash version)

muthis bir özlemle babam..

adana'dan konustuk bugun. dogumgunuydu gecende. akrep. sevkat. babam.. electra'm benim. kokusu sigara kokusu. sakinligi benim de icimde. en buyuk kufuru: "gevsek" bana hep dedigi vedalasirken: "cok dagitma" bana son önerisi: "curling'e basla" babam ve serverlari. babam ve yelkencilik. babam ve hicbir zaman gecemedigim zekasi. bilmedigimiz her ama her seyi danistigimiz babam. mukemmel surucu.
artik benimle yasayan korkular: kaza yapmis, akcigerlerini tamamen karartmis. konusmaktan cok adina endiseleniyordum son yillarda. nereden yaklassam bilemiyordum.

sanki bambaska bir dunyaymis adana. simdi öyle özluyorum. yine uzun uzun bana bilimum fikrini anlatsa. turkiye saglik egitimi mi olur, uzerinde ugrastigi son PHP scripti mi, hayalindeki rotalar mi.. olur, hepsi olur bana.

headache, sleep, and others

i have bought a large latte to calm down myself. then came a student. to get my life even more hectic. yes i am totally swamped (i love this word) with work. yes i am proud. yes i am starting to panic. but no noone can beat me after a large latte.

today is such an ordinary day.. so peaceful in a sense. 4 hours of teaching. (i actually had a problem with reverting from swedish to english teminology. ) then my supervisor returning my semantics. i am a 4th year student and i still can not write. and MATLAB.. let me not speak of it. but all in all it is an ordinary day and i will not be carried to think that i will never be able to write, that i can not even program, that i will never be able to do things on time. NO!

recursion

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Droste_effect

http://www.post-literate.com/gerpunx/archives/2005/01/prepare_to_lose_your_mind.php

M. (aka stallion) konustu bugun benimle. Sakatligi icin doktora gitmis onu anlatti. Konusabildigini unutmak uzereydim. Ameliyat olursa ne olacak merakla bekliyorum.

Iste geliyor Nazim Hikmet

Amacim ispanyolcami göstermek degil. Sadece gezinirken rastladim Neruda'nin siirine ve de gaza gelerek giristim cevirmeye. Sonuc zavalli, ve acele ama asagida. Bir kisim seyi sallamis olma olasiligim var. Örnegin Aqui Viene Nazim Hikmet, gönlumce "Iste geliyor Nazim Hikmet" seklinde cevrildi. Halbuki tam olarak "Buraya geliyor Nazim Hikmet" demek. Ama böyle bir anlamda kullanilacagina inanasim geldi. Ispanyolcanin söz sirasina sadik kalarak bir ceviri yapmak benim haddim degil anlasildigi uzere. UStune ustluk bazi kisimlari cevirirken anladim, bazi kisimlari ise hala anlamis degilim okuyunca göreceginiz gibi.


Iste Geliyor Nazim Hikmet

Nazim, yeni cikmis mahkumluktan,
hediye etti bana
nakisli gömlegini
kizil altin ipi
siiri gibi

turk kani iplikler dizeleri,
gercek masallar
antik alcalip yukselmeleriyle sesin,
kivrimlar ve duzluklerle,
hancer ve kiliclar gibi,
yeraltindaki dizeleri
yuzlesmek icin yapilmis
tum bir öglesiyle isigin,
simdi pusuda silahlar gibiler,
yeraltinda parliyorlar,
kuyularda bekliyorlar
insanlarinin koyu gözlerinin
delinmez karanliginin
altinda.
Hapishanelerinden geldi
kardesim olmak icin
ve birlikte avare gezmek icin
karli steplerde
ve kendi lambalarimizla
aydinlanmis gecede.

fotografi burada
ki unutmayayim endamini:

Uzun,
kirlarin bariscilligina dikilmis bir kule gibi
ve de tepede
iki pencere:
gözleri
Turk isigi ile.

Geziciler
Karsilasiyoruz
dunya saglam ayaklarimiz altinda,
fethedilmis dunya
kahramanlar ve sairler tarafindan,
Moskova sokaklari,
dolunay buyuyor duvarlarda,
kizlar
sevdigimiz,
hayran oldugumuz ask,
nese,
bizim özel mezhebimiz,
bu eksiksiz umut paylastigimiz,
ve hepsinden cok,
bir mucadelesi
insanlarin,
bir damla ve bir damla daha,
insanlik denizinin damlalari,
onun dizeleri ve benim dizelerim.

Ama
arkasinda Nazim'in nesesinin,
gercekler var,
tomruklar gibi gercekler,
ve bina temelleri gibi gercekler.

Yillar
Sessizligin ve hapisligin yillari
O yillar,
isiramamis, yiyememis, yutamamis,
kahraman gencligini.

Bana anlatmakta
on yildan uzun zamanin
biraktigini
elektrik ampulunun isigi
butun gece ve simdi
unutuyor her gece,
özgur birakiyor
hala aydinlatan isigi.
Nesesinin
kara kökleri var
memleketine derinlemesine gömulu
bataklik cicegi gibi.
Bundan dolayi,
ne zaman gulse,
ne zaman gulse Nazim,
Nazim Hikmet,
benzemez diger gulumsemelere:
pek bir beyaz kahkahasi,
bir gulumseme ayda,
yildizda,
sarapta,
ölmeyen dunyada,
butun pirinc selamlar kahkahasiyla,
butun insanlari sarki söyler agziyla.

Pablo Neruda

evlilik

Bir Turk ile evlenip Turkiyede oturur isem kesin icimden bir gun gececekler:
(ortada bi teklif vardir)
Ay ne yapsam acaba.. Cok hos.
Ya ortaya cikarsa.. Ilk önce es dostla ugrasmak lazim.
Onlar duymazlar ama.
Yapmayalim diye konusmustuk onunla.
Ama canim o kac yil önceydi. Hem kimbilir.. Belki o da yapiyor.
Simdi o yapmiyorsa cok pis olur. Cok ayip.
Ama zaten aldatiyorsa o zaman da enayilik canim benim su firsati degerlendirmemem. A var, B var, C var. Biliyorum hepsinden de hoslaniyor. Offf, erkekler ne kadar sansli ya! Ne kadar cok secenekleri var. Bana bak. KIrk yilda bir iste begeniyorum birini. Hem acikca yaklasti. Hem de arkada bir kadin yok uzerime atlayip parcalayacak. Ne kadar da bir bulunur böylesi?
Ama ya aldatmiyorsa? O zaman cok pis olur. Uzulur. Uzuluruz.
Ay arasam sorsam..
Nerde simdi? Hm.. Spor salonu saati.
Ben bu saatte hic onu aramam aslinda. Sporda ya.. Tam aslinda vakti. Aldatiyorsa simdi aldatiyordur. Ya ararsam da ses falan gelirse arkadan? Ve ya kadin acarsa.. Ne de olsa beklenmiyor aramam. Hatta belki kadin benden ayrilmasini istiyordur. Özellikle acar.. Hic hos olmaz. Madem aldatiyor kendinden ögrenmeli. Hic hic hos olmaz öylesi. Amayayim o zaman.
Bu aksam sorsam?
Evet derse.. Bu sefer de kimdir, yas, boy , kilo ile bozarim kafami. Birak baskasiyla olmayi. Kacirir bu tum tadimi. Gunler gunler dusunurum. Sonra "Acaba beni sevmedi mi hic neden söylemedi?" durumlari.. Yok yok aman. Kalsin.
Hem.. Hem daha X. yildayiz. X+1'de yaparim. Simdiden aldatacaksak ne yapicaz ileride? Simdi bir tur atsak da, sonra dönsek birbirimize.. Ooo.. En az bir tur daha lazim ileride. Sonra 50'ler benim asik olmam, onun baska ulkeye tasinmasi.. Yok yok erken daha.